Find out if you’re going to die

Doctor at computerWell first for the bad news. Yes you are. Going to die. Sorry. But when? It’s a question that constantly troubles me. Only two weeks ago I woke up with a lump in my neck which I measured for four days just to make sure it was shrinking. Then I realised shrinking might be bad. I still have the lump, but I now have another one on the other side. The size of a gland. Added to this my right calf broke out in red spots resembling freckles last weekend, but very definitely red. They’ve gone now but that just means they’re inside the leg. It’s all absolutely terrifying.

So now the good news: There are a number of software solutions that can help you make a quick diagnosis of pretty much any disease ever invented. Here they are:

HeyDoc! – The first thing you need if you’re going to get professional is a file. HeyDoc! allows you to store personal and family medical histories on your computer ready to print and rush to the doctor’s as soon as that frog at the back of your throat starts croaking like a flabby toad. Just make sure your printer’s got ink and paper.

Nursing Central – Packed with 56,000 dictionary references of diseases, disorders and general debilitations, this mobile nurse is a hypochondriac’s nightmare. I’m not going near it but it does look very helpful.

HealthEngage – If you’re urinating a lot then chances are you’ve got diabetes. Check that out properly before you take my word for it. If you have actually got diabetes then HealthEngage could help. It won’t cure you but it does monitor blood pressure, pulse and weight and gives some nutritional tips on what not to eat. You’ll still have to go to the toilet.Fat cat on bed

iOvulate Calendar – I don’t ovulate, and I have no plans to ovulate, but if I did then this calendar would be a great way of tracking the progress of all the eggs I was dropping or making or poaching or whatever it is I would be doing. This is on the Mac but here’s a similar program for Windows. And 4WomenOnly gives great advice about menstruation and childbirth and that kind of stuff.

Pet Health – Unfortunately most people take better care of their pets than themselves. Luckily this does seem to be changing with a recent report published on fat cats. Rather than feed them till they burst why not use this software to ensure your pets don’t eat your children.

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