Those poor celebrities. Hit hard by the financial crisis, they’ve been forced to find other ways to make “easy” money and what better way than launch the current “goldmine” of downloading, an iPhone app. The logic is surely simple. Put your name to a product, stick it on the iPhone store and it’s bling-bling all the way to the bank. Predictably, the results so far have been nothing short of hideous. iPhone users can say what they want about Android users, at least they’re not downloading any of these crimes against technology:
Noel Edmonds Cosmic Ordering For those outside of the UK lucky enough not to know who Edmonds is, he’s a British TV personality who has made more TV comebacks than David Hasselhoff. Most famously known for presenting “Noel’s House Party” with “Mr Blobby” and more recently UK quiz show “Deal Or No Deal”, his latest incarnation is as a fortune teller in this atrocious application which promises “‘a simple but astonishingly effective way of managing the way you view your life and your goals in life”. The “astonishingly effective” method is to enter a wish into your iPhone which Noel will then “submit” to the Cosmos in order to make it come true. Just to let you know Noel, I’ve submitted my wish to the Cosmos and if it comes true, we won’t be seeing you again for a very long time.
Robbie Williams Racing The last I heard of Robbie Williams, he was chasing UFOs around a Nevada desert. He could have saved himself a lot of hassle as it turns out as he claims one visited him in his LA studio while recording his latest album. I had high hopes for this app then that you’d be UFO hunting with Robbie on the back of a bike. As it is however, you simply take to a bike in the desert and race around listening to his latest single.
I am T-Pain Although I’ve never even heard of T-Pain I am in pain even looking at this app because I know it’s just going to be one of these “DJ Hero” style apps where your imagination is so limited, all you can possibly do is use T-Pain’s “unique” style to make your “own” music. True to form, I Am T-Pain allows you to use the same “Auto-Tune”technology that T-Pain uses in the studio. So let me get this straight T-Pain. For $2.39 you will make me sound exactly like Danish duo The Olsen Brothers in their Eurovision Song Contest 2000 winning entry “Fly On The Wings Of Love“? Erm, no thanks.
Push Shaq In terms of absolute complete uselessness, this app surely takes the biscuit. To be fair to Shaq, it nothing to do with him. It was an unofficial iPhone app developed by one of the guys at Swavv Apps and it has since been withdrawn – presumably because it was absolutely pointless. Push Shaq simply alerted you when basketball player Shaquille O’Neal tweeted on his twitter account. That’s it. What could be more useless than an application which notifies when someone has tweeted on their Twitter account? Call me simple minded but surely that’s what Twitter clients are for.
Hammer Time Who would have believed that a man who danced around in baggy trousers during the early nineties singing “It’s Hammer Time” would become one of the most technologically adept and wired celebrities out there. Well, I guess when your career has gone down the toilet the internet is the easiest way of forcing yourself back into the public consciousness as MC Hammer does regularly with his blog, tweets and now an iPhone app called “Hammer Time”. Hammer Time allows you to “get all of the latest news, updates and content from MC Hammer”. In other words, nothing you can’t already get on his blog and twitter account. It’s no surprise that this was developed by the award winning makers of iFart. Sorry Hammer, but I’d rather take a hammer to an iPhone than install this.