How are you planning this Saturday: are you going to go to the mountains, do you have dinner with your family, do you want to play with your cat, lie on the sofa and have a series marathon, go to see ‘Guardians of the Galaxy vol.3’? Forget all that! Tomorrow is the Coronation of Charles III and Twitter is not going to talk about anything else, so it’s your turn to watch something you never thought you’d see. No, not Eurovision, that’s next week. Make a note of these milestones on your calendar in Spanish time, because putting a crown on a head has never cost so much effort.
7.00
The action begins. The places set aside for people to stand and watch the parade open up and the two giant televisions planned for those standing outside in Green Park and St. James Park are switched on. The first to arrive will be the first to sit down, so we will see some very royalist people sleeping in the streets for pleasure from the day before. The real experience! Early risers will be able to see a couple of hundred members of the Armed Forces doing the parade as a sort of light version of what is to follow.
11.20
The procession will leave Buckingham Palace after 11am and make its way to Westminster Abbey, where there will be a kind of theatre where we will all pretend that the church and the king are 21st century concepts. King Charles and Queen Camilla will travel in the Diamond Jubilee State Coach, a more modern and comfortable carriage than tradition dictates. This is the British monarchy: pure modernity.
12.00
A little after 12 o’clock, the procession will arrive at the abbey and King Charles will enter through the Great West Gate, where he will continue walking past the guests (without being able to say “Man, what’s up, let’s meet for a drink one day”), until he reaches the centre, where he will be crowned in front of the Great Altar. Before him will come representatives of the faith (a way of making this not too archaic), representatives of the Commonwealth countries and Rishi Sunak, the UK Prime Minister whose name you can never remember.
Music lovers will be in luck, because the King has commissioned twelve new pieces to be played during his Coronation, one of them by the creator of ‘The Phantom of the Opera’, Andrew Lloyd Webber. One of them, by the way, by the creator of ‘The Phantom of the Opera’, Andrew Lloyd Webber. While this soundtrack is playing, the sceptre, the crown, the orb and the rest of the royalties that even in the other monarchies have already been set aside for carping will be waiting for him.
The ceremony will last two hours, during which Charles III will be introduced to the whole world, he will be named King and people will say “God save the King”. Then he will sit on the throne, used since the year 1300 and under which the Stone of Destiny will be placed, as if this were a rather ill-conceived game of Dungeons & Dragons. At the end, all those who wish to kneel in front of the King will be able to do so, which may take a long time.
Just before the Coronation Spoon will be used to smear him with oil using olives from the Mount of Olives (as delicious as Spanish olive oil is, what a missed opportunity), but sadly we won’t be able to watch it on television. It will end with communion for those who want to take it and, to the rhythm of the state anthem, the now officially kings will leave the abbey on their way to their reign.
14.00
Riding the Gold State Coach, the couple will travel the same route as on the way out but this time back in a 260-year-old 7-metre gold-filled carriage weighing some four tonnes (in case anyone was thinking of stealing it in the confusion).
15.30
To end the day, the King will wave from Buckingham Palace to the people waiting for him, something that has been done since the coronation of Edward VII in 1902. At that point, Navy planes will fly overhead for six minutes, do a few jibes and let the people go, who will be hungry.
